Currently, almost all of my close friends are in relationships, so the pressure of “oh
my god, I’m going to die alone” has started. This could not have come at a worse
time. Not only am I trying to deal with dating during the pandemic, but I am trying to deal with dating during the pandemic as a cynical, depressed lesbian.
Being gay in the south is already hard enough, take away our ability to communicate with facial features and the gentle, pining touch of hands and all of the sudden I’m floundering. Tinder right now is like a warzone of touch-starved 20-year-olds grasping for any kind of affection they can find. Now, that does mean people are desperate enough to go out with me, but it also means that my dating life is all of the sudden much, much more intense.
I’ve talked to about 10 different women in the span of six months, and every single one has ended in defeat. This could easily be chalked up to the fact that they may just not like me, but honestly I think the pandemic has truly hindered my dating skills. I’ve tried every single pandemic-safe dating style, and I am sick. Of. It.
I went on a coffee date on the Horseshoe. I brought my own coffee in a jar because the pandemic took my job, all my money and made me terrified to go to coffee shops (even though the girl I was on a date with worked at a coffee shop). We talked for an hour, but then I started getting anxious about being in public in the middle of quarantine. I panicked and told her that my roommate’s cat — not even my cat — was super stinky and I had to drive both of them to the vet. Then, I just left.
Needless to say, there was not a second date.
I tried to have a Netflix Party date with a girl who I had been talking to for two months. I was so confident. We had done all of the things that Good Lesbians are supposed to do — discuss living in the mountains, what we would name our goats, how we want to grow our own vegetables and bake our own bread — the whole shabang.
We ended up watching "The Princess Bride" and chatting, but then a week went by and she'd stopped messaging me. I think it was because I quoted almost the entire script. At one point, I was talking to someone and I thought we were vibing, but then — of course — I got worried she didn’t actually like me. I ended up doing a geomancy reading about my issue and was reassured she was interested, but turns out that wasn’t the question I needed to be asking. Sure she thought I was cute, but about two days after my reading she told me she was married and just wanted me to experiment with her. Great, love that for me.
I think it's safe to say I’ve officially sworn off dating for the time being. For now, I'll hold onto hope that one of the cute baristas I've seen likes me, but won’t say anything because she doesn’t know if I’m cute behind the mask.
