You’re at a karaoke bar. A drunken patron just destroyed “All of the Lights.” The crowd is out for blood, and you’re up. Prepare to make the world your shower and sing like you’re alone and naked! A crack team of swag specialists crafted these questions to make you look smoother than James Dean riding his motorcycle to go buy cigarettes for Sinatra.
[Cigarettes give you cancer and ruin your voice.]You have an hour before your sister’s 19th birthday party. What’s your last minute gift?
a. A poster of Mike Ditka with the quote, “Defeat is your cowardice declaring victory!”
b. A conch shell locket with a picture of you two as babies.
c. A hardcover copy of “Taming Your Alpha B!&#h.”
d. The complete DVD box set of Mad Men.
e. WHAT?! OH. BIRTHDAY! GIFT CARD! TO APPLEBEE’S!
A zombie bursts into your bedroom! Think!!! What do you improvise as a weapon?
a. A can of hairspray and a lighter!
b. My kayak paddle.
c. I AM my weapon.
d. I’d shoot it. With a pistol. Between its eyes.
e. I TURN UP THE BASS AND WATCH IT’S HEAD BURST!!
How do you stay fit?
a. I punch dance three hours a day.
b. I’m vegan.
c. I run from the police.
d. Upright bass and a dirty martini does the body good.
e. I jump up and down in a hot room with my friends!!!!! HELL YEAH!!!
How do you get out of going to work?
a. I make myself sick. I could never lie to my boss.
b. I quit my job and find one I like.
c. I am the boss. I do as I please.
d. I tell them I don’t feel like coming in today. So I don’t.
e. I TELL THEM I HAVE AN INNER EAR INFECTION! IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!
Someone cuts you in line at the premiere for the Hunger Games. What do you do?
a. I pre-ordered using moviefone. I’m only in line to pick my tickets up. No rush.
b. This theatre is showing it on 12 screens. I don’t need to get mad at him.
c. My friends and I show them the back of the line.
d. I whisper something in his ear. No need to repeat it, but he will move.
e. I ASK HIM TO PAY FOR MY TICKET SINCE HE’S SO IMPORTANT!
What is your cat’s name?
c. The Kraken
e. WHICH ONE? The black one is Willow, and the calico is WubWub!!!!!
Which famous dead person would you spend a day with?
a. Bob Ross. So happy and so talented!
b. Jimi Hendrix. I just want one guitar lesson.
c. Cleopatra. She knew how to run an empire.
d. The Rat Pack. They were cool before it was cool to be cool.
e. I’d kill Girl Talk so I could hang out with him!!!!!
Congratulations. You won an invitation to the Grammys! What do you wear?
a. Tux. No tie. Five buttons open.
b. Velvet suit with chuck taylors.
c. Egyptian headdress, a low-cut striped dress and cat paw gloves.
d. If it doesn’t come with a pocket square and a fedora, I ain’t wearing it.
e. SHAVE HALF MY HEAD AND WEAR A NEON JUMPSUIT COVERED IN LIGHTS!