1. Guest coaches
Who really wants to see Rex Ryan and Lovie Smith go through the motions and coach? Each year, the losing coaches in the conference championship games are forced to coach the Pro Bowl, making it the worst job in professional football that doesn’t include either cleaning up a stadium bathroom or being employed by Al Davis. Even if it gets them a free trip to Hawaii, I doubt either coach actually wants to be there and give a you-know-what. This is especially like to be an issue for a guy like Rex, who is doing it for the second year in a row and is becoming an Andy Reid-esque veteran.
How would I fix this issue while injecting some buzz into the game? Guest coaches.
Now, I don’t mean getting celebrity coaches. We don’t need Dane Cook and Snoop Dogg coaching the teams. I mean former NFL coaches, with a heavy emphasis on legends and good personalities. Think about it – how fun would it be if Ditka coached the NFC in the Pro Bowl? Or Jimmy Johnson? Admit it, you’d watch. Or, permitting both are still alive, you could bring in the two coaches of the teams that played in the Super Bowl 20 years ago. Next year will be the 20th anniversary of Super Bowl XXVI, Bills and Redskins. Get Marv Levy and Joe Gibbs on the phone, now.
2. All celebrations allowed
Too often, the NFL stands for No Fun League. Shake up that stereotype for a day and go no-holds-barred with the celebrations. Let guys use props and do group celebrations. Allow guys to take off their helmets on the field. Create a roster spot voted on by fans for each conference’s best celebrator (I think that’s a word) and bring them to Hawaii to wreak havoc.
This isn’t the Super Bowl. Both teams wear hideous uniforms that look like something a first grader drew in art class. Most of the guys don’t even want to be there. No one wants to really watch it. So, let people be creative. It might just work.
3. Allow the 20th anniversary Super Bowl teams to face each other in a flag football game at halftime.
The entire city of Buffalo just almost peed their pants at the possibility they could win a rematch like this. Maybe.
4. Outlaw punts.
People like offense. So give it to them. We can still include the punters and acknowledge their seasons — still bring them to Hawaii and maybe even let them hold on extra points and field goals. But we don’t need to let them punt. Everyone’s got to go for it on fourth down, no matter where they have the ball. If all works out, we’d get final scores in the 70s and 80s and see lots of touchdown dancing.
5. Let fans vote for the halftime act.
No one over the age of 13 wants to hear the Black Eyed Peas. But because Janet popped her boob out, we are now forever stuck with boring, G-rated Super Bowl halftime shows. Let the Pro Bowl be our chance to see a good act. Internet voting, my people. Until Lady Gaga wins. Then we’ll have to come up with something else.
